This is the opposite of what everyone is telling me to do.....
Today was a very strange day - one of the worst days I've had in a long time. It was a 2mg of Ativan day - before dinner. This might be the end of my blog - people I really have come to care about - worry about - people who visit my blog every day may never visit again. People have always complimented me - or at least remarked, that my blog was honest etc..the word "brave" has been tossed around, which I think is B.S. - I always thought I had two choices; either be ashamed of being positive or be open, and I'm not ashamed. I have nothing to be ashamed of. But that's how I feel....a little.
As proud as I was of my letter in The Globe (last post) and as positive as the feedback was, I experienced the opposite of that today - criticism, shame and worse. It began yesterday when a friend, who is also a columnist for The Globe and Mail emailed me to tell me that she had enjoyed the letter that was printed, and might she call me to talk about a column she was working on, a politically incorrect one she warned, on HIV in Canada. I like people that challenge my beliefs and me theirs, and she is great that way. She is neither racist nor homophobic as is often said, and as far as HIV/AIDS is concerned, she was writing about this subject (without criticism) many years ago. In 2000 she wrote about the dangers of junk science, warning that it was endangering the lives of PWA/HIV worldwide.
So. Today. I was quoted in her article and quoted accurately. She challenges conventional wisdom and is hardly unknown for "stirring the pot." I knew before I saw the article today that the response would be immediate and angry, I just didn't know that I would walk right into the middle of it. That it would be so personal.
I was already downtown and decided that I would check-out the Global Village at the conference, which is open to the public. It was a blur of colour and kiosks and hope and music and,....and a snapshot of what my life would be like if I lived anywhere but here. It was very emotional, and at one point I was at the GlaxoSmithKline (pharmaceutical company) kiosk, and I stood there in a bit of a fog. The man behind the desk asked me if I was a delegate and in what capacity. I didn't know what to say, so said something like...."I just have it."
I walked away and minutes later as it turned-out, was standing in the middle of the protest against the article. I stood there, half listening, until I heard my name. The speaker on the stage was criticizing me, by name, for the things I had been quoted as saying in the article. Not just quoted as saying, but had said, and meant. It was surreal. I was suddenly faint, nauseous and claustrophopic. I could have asked my HIV specialist physician for help, since he was only a meter away from me...clapping as the speakers criticized the author of the article and me. And I was right there. I can't describe the feeling of panic that I felt as I pushed my way through the crowd, trying to find an exit.
For the record, the response in the media will be huge. I stand by what I said.
I felt like a pariah today, but think that there is room for debate. I've just never felt so alone.
There is no question that her article was inflammatory, with or without my comments. The only words I wrote that I feel might be inflammatory were after I returned home from the conference. I wrote the author and told her how weird the whole thing was.
I wake-up every day feeling privileged that I live where I do, I'm alive because of an accident of birth. It also entitles me to disagree, whatever the cost. I wish I had done some calculating first though, to be honest....
Delagates reading the article and shaking their heads in "disbelief:"
The Protest right before I heard my name and felt so sick I had to run for an exit:
posted by toobusyliving at 9:58 PM
25 Comments:
Where's the article, Peter? What did you say that they took such umbrage with? What a crazy, awful experience. Good luck riding this out. Blog often.
You are a survivor and hero to your readers. You are honest and if people can not accept the truth that is their problem.
Many of us have been blamed and made fools of in public. It hurts. It hurts very bad. This happened to me recently and I kept my chin up and in the end the truth came out but not one person apologized for the endless hell they put me through.
You must survive and keep going forward. My friend, many of us that helped or did good to others have been made to feel guilty.
You have to stay strong and like everything else in life, this too will pass.
I welcome your daily blogs.
Much love and light.
It would help, a lot, anonymous, if I knew who you were. email me.
I am sorry that I can not email you right now. My crisis and yours is not that different and I still need my privacy. I'm sorry about that.
I tried to access your article (A few down-home truths about HIV/AIDS in Canada
From Tuesday's Globe and Mail
Tuesday, August 15, 2006)
but I do not wish to subscribe as I don't usually read that paper.
I am from California (and have returned here) and met you on the darker side of Church St. a few times.
Hang in there, darling.
Wow, what a horrific experience. I wish I could read her article. I can't figure out why they would be protesting your point of view.
Don't stop expressing yourself. I'm serious. We need your voice, Peter.
I read the article and it is HORRIBLE, and I am so sorry that she MANIPULATED you into that, and YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME, the article is so bad that myself and Louise are pressing a complaint to the Canadian Press Association, which has been done before against this women, and successfully get a retraction.
This is a tough lesson learned on what the media can do to you. I'm afraid her article was horrible and full of many untruths especially linking immigration from Sub suharan Africa as importing HIV, where the reality is this population becomes infected once they are in Canada.
As someone who does a lot of media, I know that even some innocent, and even true comments can be put together with other stuff to come out exactly how you DIDN'T intended! A big hug.
This may be a nice woman, but historically she has published some real falsehoods in the past and has been taken to task for it.
She took what you said and made it seem like HIV positive gay men were to blame for spreading the virus because they don't disclose. She deeply offended the gay community, and very much so the African and Caribean community that has already been stigmatized greatly by HIV .
Like I said, a big hug. But really, Peter, you should talk to her, as she has now the full wrath of very many pepole including myself, but I don't blame you at all for the Peter. This is the problem with media interviews, they can go arye and this one went terribly wrong.
Again big hug, this article has taken on legs, so hang in there, you part of it will blow over.
I did read it and knew it would be controversial. Sorry to hear the backlash took you off what must have been a huge high for you. But the article called some of those people out and it seems that group-defensiveness is a very ugly variety. Without clear answers there will be never-ending debate. All I can suggest is to wait a bit and things may not seem so bad. I hope you hang in there.
Hang in there, Peter.
The media can destroy lives but only if you let it.
My jaw dropped when I read about the poor Thunder Bay ladies that were trashed by the media and society. Judge and jury put these ladies through months of hell. NOW that they find out they had nothing to do with it what happens? No apologies.
No compensation. I hope they sue the pants off the family or the wieners that put them through this.
Take notice people. Facts and not bs is what you try people on.
Police reports, witnesses and autopsy reports. These are solid facts.
Like these women Peter you were judged and had society put you on trial. Screw the media and this chick that wrote the dreadful article.
You have your rights and I hope that you find the strength to bag people who put forth bs and lies.
HIV is everyone's responsibility.
No one is immune to it. May we get something from the convention in Toronto. So many preventative measures to take for both negative and positive men and women.
Peter, blast back and don't take it! I was in the same situation as you and fought back and won. Stand your ground and be honest with your facts. The rest of them will fall...not you!
I wish I could read that article!
I registered, but the free membership still wouldn't get me a read.
I couldn't say it better: Freedom of speach means the freedom to disagree.
what a crock! I am sorry Peter!
Thanks for emailing me the article, TBL!
I didn't find anything racist, homophobic, or even "wrong" with it.
It DOES seem that bareback sex and non-disclosure is a part of HIV's resurgence here. For those having sex ignoring the risks, they ARE to blame for their unfortunate status. I wouldn't wish the disease on anyone, but the risks are well known in our society and it's obvious that if you have unprotected sex with a stranger you're risking your health.
Also, the immigrants noted in the article are coming from an environment rife with denial, misinformation, and closeted sexuality. And considering the infection rates in their home countries, it's not surprising that Canada's infection numbers are growing.
I didn't read that article as suggesting that we deny infected immigrants entry, and I believe they should be welcomed, as aid is much more accessible here.
So again, you haven't done or said anything to be ashamed of. Good for you.
Article is here.
I re-read the article, and what there is nothing wrong with what you said. But I think it needs to be clear to those who leave the comments that this women couched your quite true statements within a bed of some pretty terrible stuff, thus creating a context of blame in terms of your comments.
It's a real shame she USED you and your comments to weave together something that in it's sum total was quite factually wrong and quite offensive to those communities, and there for offensive to myself.
The issue here is not with Peter, but the author, who, btw, has been forced through complaints to the Canadian Press Association to have her untruths retracted, and also, she didn't give a balance to your comments, which is that yes there are guys with HIV who have unsafe sex and do not disclose, but then there are neg. guys who have unsafe sex and do not disclose, so this is not a one-sided issue.
Given our hostle government (Conservative Harper and the Harperites)we need to also think of the sensitivities that are out there, and the context of a world AIDS conference going on, and the Globe and Mail being a sponsor of this event.
So, good for you for speaking your mind. It's just a lesson in the hard knocks of learning to work with media.
I shared a story with Peter where I was in the middle of a firestorm and I know what it was like. Things taken out of context, etc. etc. Even to the point were I was certain that members of the opposition were going to talk about me in the provincial parliament.
The most well intentioned, and honest comments can sometimes take and evolve into a life of thier own.
I'm angry at this women for framing you in this context of ignorance and mistruths, and I, will be making sure that I explain this to anyone and everyone I know at the conference who is upset about the article.
For the comment above, the article doesn't say we deny people because of HIV, she'S saying we are importing it from Africa and their numbers in terms of overall cases are overrepresented. What this women didn't say is that the vast majority of those coming from where HIV is endemic become infected AFTER they arrive to Canada.
Lack of support, coming from a culture where sex is taboo to speak of, where HIV makes you a leper and you are 100 percent ostricized, language barriers, mistrust of authorities etc all play a role as to why that happens.
That just means that in Canada we are not doing OUR job, and let's not blame them, or campaigns that target young gay men with explicit material about sex.
It really is such a shame she used you as a pawn in a larger agenda, and you had no idea.
A big hug, don't worry, the world doesn't hate you, and just as with me, this shall pass.
So really, it's not about free speech more than trying to be strategic with messaging, and your message was not a wrong one at all, and perhaps would have been better saved for a journalist that doesn't have a track record of pulling these kinds of stunts.
Fear not, I will be let people know that I know you and how this, what otherwise woudl not have been a non-sensational statement, came to be!
Dude, fuck them. Don't back down. Get a new doctor.
I agree with butchieboy Fuck um. Hold your head high. Randy
I just sent you two emails and THEN I came to read your blog NOT BEFORE.
I have not read this article you are referring to but I think it's rather eerie that I sent those emails and then read this. Not only that my post today was about POLITICAL CORRECTNESS!!!!
I think I was meant to talk to you today.
i can't read the article because i won't give my credit card info to do so.
I read the junk science part and it sounds a lot like the link I sent you. TOO weird.
I can't really tell without reading the article what your views are so please email me back!
Your friend, Robin.
Just thinking out loud here, but...
Years ago, there was a lot of hoopla over people who caught aids from their adulterous partners, or from a blood transfusion. So-called innocent victims. Other people, i.e. gay men, were assumed to be not-so-innocent victims - they brought the disease upon themselves because of immoral behaviour, ie gay sex. Gay sex = risky sex, and risky sex = immoral sex. It all boiled down to the idea that aids comes from having immoral kinds of sex.
There was a liberal outcry, several emotion-laden movies of the week, and finally gay sex did not equate with immorality. Barely.
Now, the moralists need another boogie-man to pin their immoral other, their not-so-innocent-victim, on to.
What is it about this disease that provokes such an environment of blame? Why do people keep looking for someone to blame for spreading the disease?
When there's a flu epidemic, we encourage people to wash their hands frequently. But we don't blame the non-hand-washers for your grandma's flu bug.
Moralism has no place in combating disease. Identifying high-risk populations does not equate with denigrating or insulting those populations - in fact, only those with a moralistic view of a disease would think in that way.
Peter, I don't think you were off the mark with what you said, nor do I think Peg was over the top.
The modus operandi of protest groups is to categorize people as victims, and then to identify with those victims. Anyone who doesn't treat the "Victim" as being beyond reproach (and certainly free of any personal responsibility) will be pilloried - the protest group will feel personally offended. You didn't fall in line, so therefore they saw you as immoral - they probably saw you as someone on whom they could place the blame for the whole aids/hiv ball of wax.
Stand strong, dude.
psb was right on the money.
People always look for a scapegoat and it is the honest, caring folk that get used and forgotten.
Most of us have been there and it is UGLY. I would not wish it on anyone.
My lover died of aids related complications and as we were a magnetic couple (I am negative),
I took the wrath of everyone in his circle. Months later I learned how to say "screw you" and look at the facts. If rumors are what give sickos comfort, so be it. If you speak the truth and know it in your heart you have done nothing wrong!
holy shit such controversy. you have every right to express yourself, and NOT feel ashamed. I stand by you my friend!!!
As a former worker in an ASO you touched on a big taboo subject: and I love you for it!!!
I must remain anonymous, and apologise for that, but I used to work in ASO in my hometown. I was ordered to find ways to increase the numbers of clients I served by fudging them in reports to the ministry of health. I was also told to include web hits as a client served. Strangely, the entire staff was told to make the agencies website their homepage - so everytime they opened up Internet Explorer, the web hits would increase, as would our reports to the ministry.
I left the agency, because we enabled people. Drug users would come in for free food and clothes, but not treatment. We gave out Ensure, mainly to drug users, enabling them to save money for their drugs, rather than rent and food.
The entire ASO movement is, quite bluntly a job creation scam. Yes, people need counseling. Yes, sometimes people need a hand up. But the ASO's lie. Lying is big money for them from the government.
As a gay man also, I know, gay men will NOT accept personal responsibility for their actions. They ostracise HIV positive men, blame everyone but themselves for their actions. I know, I am HIV positive too.
The ASO's would rather hold AIDS Walks, fundraising dinners, and give token credence to education and prevention. There's no money in education and prevention, remember.
The whole movement sickens me, which is why I left the agency, and turned my back on all ASO's.
Thanks again for your article. It reaffirmed something I believed already.
hey peter, could you send me a copy of the article? Hope you are having a better day hon. know that the flomflard crew believes and stands by you...stay strong... jooles
Would be great to read the article..
Never be ashamed for what you believe in, and never give in to other peoples agendas.
I found the article here here and didn't see much that incriminated you. The journalist comes across as such a racist, whatever comment fades into the background... if that's any comfort to you!
I've only discovered your blog today and loved the title. That's the right PMA to have!
Where did you find it? Interesting read Music cabinets
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